Title: NONE SO BLIND
Genre: YA Romantic Suspense
Chapter One: Christian vs. the Stowaway
I always thought making life or death decisions would be more dramatic. Thrilling. Like something from a movie. I should have known better.
Last week, I chose death. It didn’t work out.
Today, I chose life. And for me, that meant leaving.
I tossed the last of my gear into the back of my Range Rover. The car my father gave me just after I turned sixteen. That was over a year ago. He hadn’t spoken to me since. Maybe I should have felt guilty for using it to ditch him, but I didn’t. Just because he had a son didn’t mean he wanted one.
In ten minutes, I arrived at my first stop. The cemetery. I pulled in and followed the wide curve of the lane until I came to a huge cedar tree. I grabbed the cellophane wrapped flowers I bought at the gas station and wove my way through the forest of headstones to my mother’s grave.
I’d sat here many times, telling her about Dad, how he hated me, and how my life was messed. It never changed anything, but I felt better—for a few days at least. I barely remembered her now.
More than anything, I remembered after she died. When Dad checked out and never really came back. At least not to me. For him, it was like I didn’t exist.
And now, the time had come to make that a reality. How else could I avoid a repeat of last week’s lapse in judgment?
Yes yes yes! I'm so excited to read this book!
ReplyDeleteVery well done. I want to know how he tried to die. It flowed perfectly and I'd read more, even though I am not a romance-y reader.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, and thanks for you comments on my entry.
Nice opening lines. The focus seems to be on dad and I kinda want to know him more. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteThis is excellent. I wanted to know what was going to happen to him. Also, by him talking about his dad, I get a sense of him. I did wonder if this sentence was complete "...and how my life was messed." Should it be 'messed up' or something. Just checking. Well done and good luck in the contest! <3
ReplyDeleteI like this opening. You've instantly sparked my interest and I want to keep reading to learn why he tried (and failed) to commit suicide.
ReplyDeleteThis is a nit-pick, but I did notice that the word 'dad' was not capitalized when it was being used as a proper name (telling her about dad, when dad checked out). I understand he probably doesn't respect his father anymore, and maybe that's the reason you chose not to capitalize Dad, but I still think, grammatically, it should be capitalized.
You have a good start here. Nice work!
~Beth
I'm definitely intrigued. Great start to a longer piece. And I agree about the "messed..." sentence, it did read slightly incomplete, but the word "up" would round it out for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm still trying to get a read of whether or not the character is remorseful for their "lapse in judgment." It seems like he is, but I'm unsure - which is a good thing, that would keep me reading :)
Very nice intro. The pensive nature of the narrator comes out naturally and fluidly in how he thinks about his father, his mother, and his recent choices.
ReplyDeleteThink about getting rid of the first couple of sentences, "I always thought making life or death decisions would be more dramatic. Thrilling. Like something from a movie. I should have known better." You really don't need them. The sentences, "Last week, I chose death. It didn’t work out," are much more provocative opening, and prove to be one of the hooks that will carry us while we learn more about the main character.
Also, you have the line, "I’d sat here many times, telling her about dad, how he hated me..." Here, you could have him just start talking out loud. That way, he can show us, through dialogue, how he feels about his mother, show us his routine at her grave. Why is he there this time? To say goodbye, or to confess something, or to merely be in the presence of his mother? That's what intrigues me most about this intro.
Overall, a great job of establishing setting, voice, and some of the book's central relationships. I really enjoyed it!
I'm intrigued. I want to know more about this character and the relationships. The opening lines are engaging and really drag you in.
ReplyDeleteHey there! Thoughts as I go:
ReplyDeleteI always thought making life or death decisions would be more dramatic. Thrilling. Like something from a movie. I should have known better. (((maybe it's just me, but I feel like the last sentence should have its own paragraph!)))
Last week, I chose death. It didn’t work out.
Today, I chose life. And for me, ((((Not sure if you need 'for me'.)))) that meant leaving.
I tossed the last of my gear into the back of my Range Rover. The car my father gave me just after I turned sixteen. That was over a year ago. He hadn’t spoken to me since. Maybe I should have felt guilty for using it to ditch him, but I didn’t. Just because he had a son didn’t mean he wanted one. ((((I'm glad this line exists, because I totally thought this was a girl.))))
In ten minutes, I arrived at my first stop. The cemetery. I pulled in and followed the wide curve of the lane until I came to a huge cedar tree. I grabbed the cellophane wrapped flowers I bought at the gas station and wove my way through the forest of headstones to my mother’s grave. ((((The actions in this paragraph feel just a little mechanical. "I arrived"; "I pulled"; "I grabbed." A little more sentence variation couldn't hurt))))
I’d sat here many times (((('many times' feels a bit formal for this great voice you've got going)))), telling her about dad, how he hated me, and how my life was messed ((((messed up? I've never heard 'messed' (I'm 17, by the way).)))). It never changed anything, but I felt better—for a few days at least. I barely remembered her now.
More than anything, I remembered ((((remembered what? Remembered her? Remembered their encounters? I feel like there's a missing noun here)))) after she died. When dad checked out and never really came back. At least not to me. For him, ((((I don't know if you need 'for him', either!)))) it was like I didn’t exist.
And now, ((((you don't need a comma here.)))) the time had come to make that a reality. How else could I avoid a repeat of last week’s lapse in judgment?
Really interesting beginning, filled with so much character! I thought it was going to be fantasy or paranormal after the "last week, I chose death" line, but it unfolded in a way I didn't expect. Cool stuff!
Hmmmm... I love your first line, and I love the idea of expecting something more dramatic from a life/death decision, but the line, "It didn't work out." doesn't tie back to those ideas from the first paragraph... I think that may be why some commenters are telling you to cut/change the beginning... because the two things don't connect very well. Is there some way you can the 'It didn't work out' line to refer back to dramatic movie moments or something? That way it builds on your first few lines.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I was really confused about was the line, "Maybe I should have felt guilty for using it to ditch him" because it's past tense. It makes me think that he left his father a year ago, right after receiving the car... but your lines, "Today I chose life. And for me, that meant leaving." makes me think he just left today...
Oh, and until you said 'son' I totally thought this was a female character :) No idea why... but despite my confusions, I REALLY liked this! This is totally the style of story I would pick up and devour :)
I really liked this, and just had a few thoughts:
ReplyDeleteI always thought making life or death decisions would be more dramatic. Thrilling. Like something from a movie. I should have known better. {Instead of "I should have known better" consider something that tells us how it was instead.}
Last week, I chose death. It didn’t work out. {Like this. Could be a little "voicier" if you said "Needless to say, it didn't work out," also, would help us to know he's not dead :)}
Today, I chose life. And for me, that meant leaving.
I tossed the last of my gear into the back of my Range Rover. The car my father gave me just after I turned sixteen. That was over a year ago. He hadn’t spoken to me since. Maybe I should have felt guilty for using it to ditch him, but I didn’t. Just because he had a son didn’t mean he wanted one.{I like this last sentence, but It's a tiny bit of a leap to go from him not feeling guilty to his dad not wanting a son. Not a big deal--I'm sure we all got there--just something to think about}
In ten minutes, I arrived at my first stop. The cemetery. I pulled in and followed the wide curve of the lane until I came to a huge cedar tree. I grabbed the cellophane wrapped flowers I bought at the gas station and wove my way through the forest of headstones to my mother’s grave.
I’d sat here many times, telling her about Dad, how he hated me, and how my life was messed. It never changed anything, but I felt better—for a few days at least. I barely remembered her now. {Here I have a time issue--he says he went there all the time but that he barely remembers her? Maybe give us a clue--"At the beginning, I came here..." or something. Actually, a clue, in general, about how long ago mom died would be helpful.}
More than anything, I remembered after she died. When Dad checked out and never really came back. At least not to me. For him, it was like I didn’t exist.
And now, the time had come to make that a reality. {love it!} How else could I avoid a repeat of last week’s lapse in judgment?
Great entry, really liked it!!
Scribbler
http://swiftscribbler.weebly.com/the-swift-scribbler.html